Dear Readers,
Do you sometimes look in the mirror and think, “Haaa, today I really look sexy!” or “Today I feel like really dressing up!”?! Yes? No? Sometimes?
I’ve seen a lot of posts in different ace community groups lately in which people ask if it’s normal to want to dress up, look good, or feel sexy if you are ace or if this clearly shows that you are not ace since you want to be attractive to others.
The answer to this is no. Asexuality has nothing to do with the desire to look good or sexy.
It’s something that we do for ourselves and ourselves only. We eat healthily, we do sports, we study, we read, and we dress a certain way because it helps us feel good about ourselves as individuals. It’s something we do only for ourselves and not for others.
The way we feel about ourselves might affect how we are perceived by other people, though. If we feel comfortable and good, we carry ourselves differently, and that might attract other people’s attention.
This doesn’t say anything about your sexual orientation or your sexual attraction. It’s just a matter of perception, pretty much the same as flirting or just bantering with someone. The intention on your end is missing.
Does this mean we lead none aces on by dressing up or dressing sexy?
The answer to this is no. Somebody can be attracted to you at any given time. You have no real influence on how someone perceives you. You could feel like crap in sweatpants and a t-shirt full of holes, and you could still be very attractive to some people.
People often forget that aesthetic attraction is only one type of attraction. Even if you don’t look the best in your eyes, someone else could still think you are the most beautiful and sexy person in the world.
But this topic is one of those topics that makes understanding asexuality for someone who doesn’t experience it that complicated. Dressing up can be misinterpreted by others. As aces, let’s be aware of that fact.
We also should be aware that even though we do not or rarely feel attraction, this is normal for others. It doesn’t mean that we are not supposed to dress up or dress sexy; it just means that we should be aware of the reactions we could get from others and make sure we communicate clearly that we are not trying to get attention or want to attract someone.
On the other hand, the allo community should be aware that not everybody who dresses a certain way necessarily wants to attract someone. They might just want to feel good for themselves. The desire to feel good or sexy in your own skin is something that is valid for everyone and has nothing to do with wanting to flirt or attract somebody else.
What do you think? Do you like to feel sexy?
Best,
Ace