Dear Readers,
I have a question for you: have you ever been in a dating situation in which you really didn´t know what the other person was thinking? You get honest answers, you know that, but there are still things that you are unsure about, and you feel like the communication is honest, but somehow not really clear.
I recently discovered that I was wrong when I told the people that I dated that I want honesty. I realised I actually want transparency, so the communication would be clear and wouldn´t leave so much room for questions. Especially at the beginning, when you’re just getting to know each other.
There´s a big difference between “let´s be honest” and “let´s be transparent. Especially while starting to date someone, honesty is key. But I realise now that sometimes honesty is not really enough.
It sounds like honesty and transparency are just different words for the same thing, but in reality, they are not. Transparency is about providing context and more information to let the other person know your feelings, intentions, or, in general, what kind of situation you are currently in. Honesty doesn´t necessarily provide that.
Especially for an anxious, attached person (read more about the attachment styles in this article: https://discoveries-of-an-ace.com/2025/06/21/why-do-i-behave-like-this-in-relationships/), context is a safety net that makes things much easier.
A simple example is trying to meet up when one is busy.
“I´m very sorry, but I can´t make it. I´m busy for the time being!” would be an honest answer. But what does that mean? Did I say or do anything weird? Is this person still interested in me? How long is this going to go on? Will I see this person again?
Transparency would be:”I´m very sorry, I really wanted to see you, but I´m stressed out. Work is crazy. If we have a date, I really want to be present, but I don’t think I can at the moment. My project will end in a few weeks, and I´ll make sure we will see each other then.”
I know at first glance this looks overly explanatory, BUT it leaves less room for misunderstandings, and the person you are dating knows exactly where they stand.
But if you need transparency, does that mean you really don´t understand each other, and that, due to communication issues, they are not a good match to begin with? Is transparency something that should come from the other person without you having to ask for it? Or do you think transparency is just way too much?
What do you think?
Best,
Ace