A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is also on the ACE spectrum and we concluded that the most complicated part of being ACE is trying to explain to non-Aces what it´s like.
I´m extremely lucky and grateful to have family and friends who accept me for the person I am. So telling them that I´m ACE was not hard cause I knew it was safe and nobody would judge me.
But unfortunately, that´s not valid for everybody. Sometimes, you are in a situation where you need to have this kind of conversation with people you might not know that well or who are just acquaintances, and the problems start. From “Everybody loves sex.” to “Oh, I had that phase too” or ” You just haven´t had proper sex yet” or ” Oh, so you are gay!” I have heard almost everything, and I guess most people on the ACE spectrum have.
Some of the comments are meant to make you feel understood, but some of them can hurt and can stick with you. It makes you realize even more how different you are from anyone else and what´s supposed to be the “norm” (whatever that is supposed to mean because also this differs from culture to culture).
In some cultures, there even seems to be a certain fear, that people want to convince others to become ACES. Fun fact: Not how this works.
As mentioned in my very first blog celibacy or chosen abstinence is not part of the ACE spectrum.
Believe me, a lot of ACES would be relieved to be non-ACES. Not that it is an issue for the ACES themselves, but most ACES struggle with their environment.
Additionally, please don´t forget not having sexual desires doesn´t mean that you don´t have feelings.
We fall in love, we want to be emotionally close to others, and we want to have somebody to connect with on an emotional and/or intellectual level!
For those who are non-ACES and may be wondering what it feels like, I would like to try to explain it with a food reference:
Let’s take carrots for example:
Let´s say you order a meal at a restaurant, and there are carrots on your plate. There are several scenarios possible:
The first one is:
You look at the carrots and think: “Oh carrots! Great, I have forgotten about carrots but I really do like them. Yammy, I´m happy to have some every once in a while!”
If that is your reaction, you are favorable.
The second option is:
You eat your plate and someone says to you: “Hey, these carrots look delicious! Are they good?” And you look at the person shrug and answer: “Well they are carrots. I haven´t realized that they are on the plate. I just ate them.”
That would be the reaction from someone indifferent.
The third option is:
You see the carrots on the plate and immediately go “No, not happening. Who wants my carrots?” and probably making a face.
That would be the reaction of repulsed.
In general, I think the most important thing is to understand where the other person is coming from.
That means for you my fellow ACES: Be open and let the person know how you feel and what works for you and what doesn´t. I know it hurts, but be fair and understand if a non-ACE is confused or doesn´t get it. It is not that easy to understand that someone who can flirt, laugh and maybe also touch you, is not interested in more, especially if you experience the situation differently.
And for my fellow non-ACE readers out there: Try to learn why the person in front of you feels that way instead of dismissing their feelings or even fears. You might not understand it and that´s ok, but always remember that this person might already feel weird because they are aware of how different they are.
Yours,
ACE
