Dear Readers,
Flirting in general is a difficult territory, but for some of us ACEs it seems even more difficult.
As a Grey-Ace I always felt very insecure about flirting until a very good friend of mine told me that I’m excellent at it. I was massively irritated.
Me? Good at flirting? What do they see that I can’t? I tried to observe my interactions…
…And all of a sudden I realized what they meant!
They mean the occasional banter in random conversations.
But for me, this isn’t flirting, because I don’t feel any intent, but that´s not something they could see.
For me that is banter. Plain and simple banter that makes a conversation a bit more interesting and sometimes it helps a situation and cheers people up. I do it in a restaurant with the waitress, I do it with clients, friends, or sometimes even strangers depending on the situation.
In theory, I know what flirting is supposed to look like and, as I mentioned before, I thought I couldn’t flirt because I rarely have the intention to be flirty with someone. It never occurred to me, that what you see is very different from what you feel. Intent is not visible!
But what exactly is the difference?
Well if you look at the Oxford definition of banter it says:
“Banter is the playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks whereas the definition of flirting is behaving as though (I would remove “though”) sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions.”
Sounds very obvious, doesn´t it?
But in reality, the difference is much more subtle. Sexual attraction isn´t visible to others. It´s something only you feel.
So as spectators, we solely rely on what we see, our experiences, what society teaches us, and sometimes our own feelings towards someone. As an Ace, I struggle a lot with this.
Even as a grey-ace who feels sexual attraction occasionally, I have difficulties differentiating this. My brain does not necessarily immediately go to “Oh this person is attracted to me” or “I´m attracted to this person”. This concept is very strange to me. No, it´s rather the very, very last option that I would consider.
If someone talks to me, even if it would be an attempt at flirting with me, I would probably not get it, unless they directly tell me, or would kiss me right away, which obviously normally doesn´t happen.
And then you have those situations in life where “maybes” get in the way. Let’s say you are romantically, esthetically, or intellectually attracted to someone, and all of a sudden you kind of wish that everything they say means they flirt with you.
It´s a vicious circle!
But how can we make these situations a bit easier?
Do I need to wear a shirt that says: “I don’t flirt I just banter”? Don´t get me wrong, I would love that. But would it really help? Probably not!
So if you want to figure out if someone is flirting with you then here are a couple of signs:
- Body language: Flirting often is connected with the person leaning in and getting a bit closer than normal.
- Physical touch: a slight touch with the hand on the arm, or a longer hug can indicate a flirt
- Prolonged eye contact: “I can’t keep my eyes off of you” is not just a romantic pick-up line, prolonged eye contact is an indication of interest and attraction
- Smile: Flirting often involves big smiles
Regardless of these signs, it can still be difficult to assess if someone is flirting or not. Generally speaking, it helps to take a step back and try to see the situation as an objective spectator.
Was there an extra touch or a longer hug than normal, did they lean in, was there teasing, was there a big smile?
Still confused? Don’t worry! It’s not that easy to assess a situation objectively.
And if you are still uncertain if someone flirts with you, you always have the option to ask 😉
How about you? Can you relate to my stuggles? Do you like to flirt or is it just banter for you? Do you know when someone is flirting with you?
Yours, Ace
