Dear Readers,
I talked about timing in another of my articles, and deciding on what you share with whom is essential. Telling someone that you are Ace is a decision you make because you feel safe, the timing is right, the situation is comfortable, or you have a discussion where it might help to bring your point of view across. Whatever it is, you decide if the time is right and live with the consequences. I know consequences are a big word, but there can be consequences like rejection, getting called names, or maybe even worse things.
It can be tough to deal with if someone takes this decision away from you. They don’t have to live with the consequences; you have to.
I learned it the hard way. I got outed! By a friend of a friend. So, not even someone that I’m close to. They know cause they are the best friend of the partner of my best friend. And don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no issue that they know. I don’t care! I mean, I have a blog, and I write about being asexual and my experiences with it, but what I publish and when and how that is still my decision. And yes, some of it might bit me in the butt at some point, but it was MY decision.
In this case, it was a party setting where we knew a couple of people but not all of them. I know it was to help me out in a situation where someone said something stupid to flirt with me, but it was really unnecessary. But things are now the way they are.
So what can you do in a situation like that? Leave? Deal with the consequences? Play it cool? Downplay it?
Unfortunately, we cannot control other people’s actions, so being prepared for this is good. Decide what you would be comfortable with in a situation like that. You don’t need to answer any questions that others might have; not wanting to talk about your sexuality is totally valid, and you can say that.
Build a support system that understands you and lets you talk about your experiences. And is also able to know what you are going through. Maybe had a similar situation.
Your reaction to the situation colors the response of others. So, how you deal with being outed will affect everyone in the situation. If you react calmly and positively, others might open up to you about themselves. That doesn’t mean you should not talk to the person who outed you afterward.
But also, if you see or fear that the situation might get out of hand or become aggressive, please make sure to leave the situation, downplay it, or deny it, if necessary. Although I don’t like the thought, I would rather deny being ace than have an altercation with someone over it with serious consequences. Sometimes, being the smarter person means lying to be safe!
What did I do in my situation?
I owned it and was rewarded with a great conversation that surprised me! I’m not going to lie: At first, I was unsure about the outcome—so much so that I was about to leave. But in the end, it was good.
But a few days later, I also talked to the person who outed me. We talked calmly about the situation, and I explained to them how dangerous this could be. Unfortunately, not everybody is as accepting and understanding, and they need to be aware of that.
They apologized, and honestly, it’s okay, but I’m a lot better prepared next time because I’m sure it will happen again!
Have you ever experienced something like this?
Best,
Ace