Dear Readers,
Whether asexual or not, we all have a specific way of acting and behaving in a relationship. Our relationship style is closely connected to how we grew up and how our parents treated us in our first years. This behavior can be divided into different categories, the so-called attachment styles.
A bit like with the love languages I wrote about a while ago ( https://discoveries-of-an-ace.com/2023/12/10/how-do-i-show-my-affection/), the attachment styles can be an indication of why you act in a certain way, but it’s not the sole reason. Just because you know your attachment style doesn’t mean you know how you will be in a relationship, or it solves your relationship problems. But maybe it helps you to understand a few things about yourself and/or your partner.
The attachment theory was established by John Bowlby in the 1950s and is based on the person’s bond with their primary caregiver during childhood. In the 1970s, the psychologist Mary Ainsworth extended Bowlby’s studies and did the so-called “Strange Situation Assessment” and built four primary forms of attachment:
- Anxious attachment (also known as preoccupied attachment/ anxious ambivalent attachment)
- Avoidant attachment (also known as dismissive attachment)
- Disorganized attachment (also known as fearful-avoidant attachment)
- Secure attachment
But what do these attachments mean?
- Anxious attachment
People with an anxious attachment style often have a high opinion of others but low self-esteem. They can be consumed by not being enough for their partner and/or afraid of rejection. They can react extremely jealously or be suspicious toward their partners. Some people with anxious attachment styles cannot be alone or at least have a massive fear of being alone. They fear being abandoned and are often described as “clingy” or “needy.”
Here is a small tip for your everyday life:
If you are in a relationship with a partner like that, or if your type is anxious, it might help establish a particular “ritual of security.” For example, if your partner/ or you leave for the day, leave consciously. Have a ritual of saying: “Have a great day. See you tonight/tomorrow,” or whatever plans you have. Make sure to take time to contact your partner throughout the day/night to make sure they know you are thinking of them. It doesn’t need to be many messages, but it ensures your partner feels safe. This should ease the mind of an anxious partner or your own anxiety at least a bit.
2. Avoidant attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style often are very independent. They tend to have a lot of friends and/or sexual partners. They are never lonely, and from the outside, it looks like they have great relationships. However, people with an avoidant attachment style have superficial relationships. They let people be around them, but they never let them get close to them. They learned early on that they cannot rely on others to get emotional support, so real intimacy and deep emotional closeness are signs for them to leave the relationship.
3. Disorganized attachment
This might be the most complicated attachment style. They really want to have a relationship but often fear emotional closeness or intimacy. So, they might be okay with intimacy but feel threatened by how close they feel to their partners and end the relationship prematurely. Self-sabotaging by thinking the relationship will end anyway is one of the signs of a disorganized attachment style. So, pushing the partner to end the relationship and then stating that it was clear from the beginning that this could never have worked.
4. Secure attachment
People with a secure attachment style are more likely to form healthy and stable relationships. They are also more likely to trust their partners and be emotionally available to them.
However, this doesn’t automatically mean that they will have a perfect relationship; if two secure people start a relationship, they will be in a better position.
So, I did a test. Even though I knew that I was more of the avoidant type, it turns out that I’m somewhere in between secure and avoidant. The “perfect” combination:), that’s not difficult at all *sarcasm*. But after researching this for you guys, I at least have some clarity about some of the things that I did in previous relationships, and I kind of understand some of my reactions.
Obviously, this article is a very short summary of a huge topic. If you want to learn more about the specific attachments, I attached some of my sources below the article. Or, if you want to do a small test about attachment styles, this is one from psychology today:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test
What do you think? Does knowing about attachment styles help you understand more about yourself? Or did you already know your attachment style?
Best,
Ace
(Sources: https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/ , https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles, https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test, )