Dear Readers,
Do you also have that one friend that you turn to whenever something good or bad happens?
The one you know you can call at any time of the day.
That finishes your sentence? Or that knows you inside out? You communicate with them without words? But you are not in a relationship
Well, congratulations you are in a so-called queer platonic relationship or you have a platonic crush!
Turns out I have been in several of those for years and I didn’t even know. I mean yes I kind of got it, when people had weird reactions to my friendships one of them in particular, but I didn’t think much of it. To me it is normal!
So what is a platonic infatuation or a queerplatonic relationship?
The definition of a queerplatonic relationship/ partnership according to Wikipedia is
“Queerplatonic relationships (QPR) and queerplatonic partnerships (QPP) are committed intimate relationships that are not romantic in nature. They may differ from usual close friendships by having more explicit commitment, validation, status, structure, and norms, similar to a conventional romantic relationship.”
This kind of feeling usually hits people without a warning. A heterosexual man all of a sudden is infatuated with his male manager or co-worker, sometimes also referred to as “Bromance”. A lesbian has an amazing connection to a guy. A happily married person is infatuated with a friend or co-worker without having the wish to be intimate with them.
And usually, if they tell someone they are shocked. But nothing is shocking about this.
Society teaches us that you can either have a sexual partnership or a friendship and usually society also dictates with whom a friendship works or is considered “traditional” and with whom it isn’t. These social boundaries often create a bad conscious, anxiety and fear to be cheating on a partner without even being interested in the other person physically. We are not taught how to handle this kind of attraction and unfortunately, bonds like these get often rejected because they are too complicated or not wanted because they are “not needed”.
How are these queerplatonic relationships possible?
Well, if you think about the different kinds of attractions you can have with people it´s pretty easy to explain. If you find someone that you find intellectually or emotionally attractive you can form an intense bond that doesn´t include romantic or sexual attraction.
For non-ACEs, these feelings, or the lack thereof can be very confusing and sometimes people add sexual or romantic components to it because that´s what they know. But more often than not these attempts fail and if the friendship survives this an even deeper connection can form. Sometimes people even say „We are better as friends than as partners!“ However, that doesn´t mean that these relationships or crushes don´t need work and effort.
How do you know that you are in a queerplatonic relationship or that you have a platonic crush on someone?
There are some signs
- Your relationship is different from others that you have or know
- Others always suspect you are in a relationship
- It feels like you are family even though you are not
- You use specifically created nicknames but never „girlfriend“ or „boyfriend“
- They are your first point of contact when something good or bad happens
- They know you better than you know yourself
In my experience, queerplatonic relationships or platonic crushes are like a rare diamond. It has expanded my understanding of the word „love“. I usually try to encourage people to explore these platonic crushes because I know how incredible it feels.
But I also understand how enormously complicated and frightening it can be.
The question: Am I in love with this person after all? Can I be that close to someone I´m not in a relationship with? Is it fair to have this attraction to somebody else even though I´m in a committed and loving relationship? These are valid questions to ask yourself especially when you are at the beginning of a platonic crush.
My advice would be not to go into default mode and add something that isn´t needed. Don´t be afraid of the attraction you are feeling and enjoy every minute of your platonic crush!
What about you guys? Do you have any platonic crushes or queerplatonic relationships?
Yours, ACE
(Sources: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship, https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/relationships/queer-platonic-relationship#:~:text=In%20a%20queerplatonic%20relationship%2C%20the,and%20having%20sexual%20relationships%20with., https://livingwithlimerence.com/can-infatuation-be-platonic/#:~:text=Platonic%20infatuations%20do%20happen%2C%20but,to%20inspect%20your%20psychological%20architecture, https://www.choosingtherapy.com/queerplatonic/, https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship)
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