Dear Readers,
I have been meeting people and dating online for a bit more than 20 years now. So yes, to all the young folks out there, I was there from the beginning.
I have always found it easier to connect and also to date people that I kind of ” pre-selected” before. Now that I know I’m ACE I realise that this might just be easier for me cause as a grey-ace I’m rarely attracted to anyone and if I am, it’s not necessarily physical it’s the mind that I’m attracted to. So online dating is way easier.
I met a lot of people that I’m still talking to, that I’ve never seen. Maybe we talked on the phone, sometimes even for hours, but that’s it and I enjoyed and still enjoy it. Why? Because there’s no pressure and you can talk to the person whenever you both feel like it. I got to know a lot of people over the past 20 years that I´m really, really greatful for. I realised very late in life that this might seem weird to some people, but I can live with that.
Additionally, I feel like you connect very differently than in real life. You actually spend a lot more time talking first and then you might see the person not the other way around. For me that always felt very comfortable. That made dating almost fun and making friends a lot easier.
At the same time if you are dating non-ACEs you know that being intimate at some point becomes a topic and it doesn’t matter if that’s online or face-to-face. Even before I knew about the ACE spectrum I was always pretty straightforward with how I felt about sex. To me, being honest with it right away has two advantages:
1. The person you talk to can decide whether they are ok with that or not. So there are no misunderstandings in the long run.
2. Their reaction tells you what they are really about. If they react inappropriately you know that this might have not gone well anyway. But if a person is curious you know they have an open mind and want to learn.
You could call it “natural selection”. 😉
I understand however that not everybody can be that direct. The only thing I can say is to be as honest as you can be. But be aware that this topic might come up eventually. Talking openly about your asexuality will always be a part of your relationship and is very important. Misunderstandings can occur especially if you are a part of the grey- or demi-ACE end of the spectrum and avoiding it for too long can get you and/or the other person in very uncomfortable situations.
Even if you date an ACE this topic will still come up. Just in a different form. Talking about boundaries is still necessary, cause they are different for everyone.
So trust and an open mind are necessary in both scenarios for both parties.
I know that asexuality can be a scary topic while dating, but it´s a part of you and makes you the beautiful person you are. It can even help you find out very early on if a person talks to you for the right reasons or if they just want sex.
What do you think? What´s your experience on that?
And would you want to hear more stories from my 20 years of online dating experience?
Yours, ACE
