The ACE community is very diverse in many aspects and kinks and fetishes are one of them. Since this topic spiked the interested of a lot of you guys, I searched for some interview partners. So I´m very happy to have found a fellow Ace that has agreed to answer some questions.
Discoveries of an Ace: Hey, would you please introduce yourselves to the readers?
S: Hello, I’m S. I am 34 and from the metro Detroit area in Michigan, USA. I identify as a polyamorous, bi-romantic, asexual woman. I’m a mom, a career woman, and a homemaker. I’m also a kinkster in the local BDSM community. I bottom/model for a partner who teaches shibari locally, and volunteer at a rope/shibari convention for friends who host the convention annually.
Discoveries of an Ace: Where on the ACE spectrum are you?
S: I am not super into labeling subtypes and putting too many labels upon labels. I have enough, I think. I find myself to be bouncing between apathetic and sex-repulsed. I view it as an act of service to partners I am comfortable enough with.
Discoveries of an Ace: When did you first realize that you had a kink/fetish?
S: In my mid-teens, I found myself experimenting with self-bondage, fantasies of power dynamics and impact, or other pain play.
Discoveries of an Ace: What is your kink/fetish?
S: I have a few kinks I participate in. Predominantly impact play and shibari. I really enjoy caging/imprisonment play as well. I do both solo play and with romantic partners or play partners (there’s a difference). Other play types I have experience with are fire cupping, mummification, electro play, needles, vac-beds, pet play, diapering & bathroom control, adult nursing relationships, damsel in distress & domestic discipline There might be others I’m forgetting.
Discoveries of an Ace: What feelings do you associate with your kink/fetish?
S: It changes depending on who I’m playing with or what we are doing. Certain play can give feelings of comfort and safety, other times it’s a way to destress from real life and expel that energy, other times it’s laid back with humor, laughter, and silliness or flirting. There are times when it’s a physical workout and other times, I’ve fallen asleep and ended up being gently woken up an hour later to be done. BDSM is a customizable experience and can give a spectrum of outcomes. I think when I think of kink/fetish, I think of the BDSM community and the people involved in that community.
Discoveries of an Ace: Do you find it easy to connect to other Aces that have the same kink/fetish?
S: I don’t know that I’ve met other people locally who identify as Ace. If I have, it hasn’t been something that is spoken about. It’s possible that I know kinksters who are Ace, and I don’t realize, it because sex doesn’t come up in conversation with people who aren’t interested in having sex with each other. It’s the same with allosexuals who are a part of the LGBT+ community. We don’t live by the labels. We just exist in the BDSM community without judgment. I do know that I’ve never felt out of place in the BDSM community unless there was an orgy or something happening during an event, and people wanted to watch. The times that have happened, though, I’m always able to find others who hang back because it’s also not their interest. There’s something for everyone, and no one is forced to participate in anything.
Discoveries of an Ace: This question is specifically for S. How do you decide on who to play with? And do you prefer playing with someone you are emotionally close or is it more interesting with someone you don´t know?
S: How do you decide on who to play with? I decide on who to play with by talking with people and socializing. Finding people who have the same kinky interests is important. I wouldn’t go up to someone randomly and ask for a certain play. not knowing if they do that type of play. Some events are specific to certain types of play, but even then, there’s a process of vetting. That process looks like talking to them and reading their “vibe” to see if they are someone who feels comfortable and safe. Also, talking allows me to ask for a list of previous play partners to talk to and ask about their experiences. The community isn’t huge, so oftentimes, you know if you have seen someone around or not as well. Some people need to see the person in a scene with others to see how they play. I find it helpful but not completely necessary. Some locales have reporting organizations, so if someone is a predator or harmful and injured people, there’s a resource there to find out. All that is what I do. I rarely do what’s called “pickup play,” which is what it sounds like an encounter of strangers for play and without an expectation to continue past that event. That has a lot more risk and, for me, involves a trusted person to introduce them as safe and a lot of negotiation regarding what happens before, during, and after the scene. I even talk about opt-in versus opt-out negotiation style prior to negotiation after an injury resulting from confusion between the two in 2019. Though, to be clear, the injury didn’t happen from pick-up play but a first time playing with someone I thought was safe. Injury can happen to anyone regardless of the situation. There’s an inherent risk in what kinksters do.
Do you prefer playing with someone you are emotionally close to, or is it more interesting with someone you don´t know?
I prefer to play with people I know. There’s a sense of safety there. It doesn’t necessarily have to be someone I’m close to. I do have play partners I am not close to and know nothing about their personal lives, even their first names.
Discoveries of an Ace: Do you think the ACE community is open towards kinks/fetish topics?
S: I have limited experience with other Ace folks, and I don’t think I could paint the whole community with a broad brush. I do follow an Ace Kink educator online. I also hear of many Ace folks in the poly community. There’s a big overlap of polyamorous and kink, too. I would see it as reasonable for Ace people to be involved with the kink community in some way.
Discoveries of an Ace: What would be your advice for other Aces that just discovered their kink/fetish?
S: My advice would be to find a local munch (event listings on fetish websites) and make friends. They are usually held at a restaurant or bar, with “grandma-appropriate attire” and a resemblance to any other public group meeting. That’s the first step of being invited into the BDSM/kink community. It’s a safe space to talk about personal things as well as kink-related interests to gain friendship and knowledge without any expectation of play. Most times sex isn’t intended when playing, but that’s something that would be explicitly spoken about during any negotiation prior to playing with someone. I’d also read up on the consent culture in the BDSM community, as it operates very differently than many other cultural communities. That way, you’re more likely to be seen as someone trustworthy and respectable upon first impression. .
A big, big thank you to S. I really appreciate you answering my questions!
If you like the „Short Interview“ series, let me know in the comments below what topic you would be interested in reading about next.
Yours, ACE
