Dear Readers,
The last couple of days got me thinking a lot. I got to know someone I can deep dive into my asexuality without being judged. It´s interesting.
They are really interested in understanding me, what I feel, and that automatically means I really need to think and explain what´s going on inside my head. This leads me to really reflect, also tapping into feelings and thoughts that I might not necessarily enjoy. Meaning I have to be honest with myself and rediscover emotions and situations I usually avoid. They make me go deep. I enjoy it and dread it. I dread it because I realize there are a lot of things there that I’m very much aware of but don´t want to acknowledge.
As a grey- and aegoace, the question came up: where the disconnect happens between the theory of being physical and the actual real-life experience. I found this a very interesting question cause instead of saying, “Oh, it just happens. I just don´t feel anything,” I started thinking about what I feel and why I might feel it or not. I came to realize that somewhere along the line, I learned to disconnect my feelings, good and bad, when it comes to being physical.
I can only speak for myself and my experience, and I know that I never really had an active drive, but additionally I learned to switch the little connection that I had with being physical by disconnecting any kind of emotion towards it. Interestingly enough, not even judging it. I noticed that throughout the years, I distanced myself from the physical part even further.
I learned it through different experiences. Having the feeling of not looking good enough, for example, or also thinking I have to do certain things because it´s normal, and for sure the behavior of certain people didn´t help. Meaning being led in a direction you don´t want to go because you are not taken seriously. And by led, I mean you talking yourself into something! I want to emphasize NOT physically forced.
Even though thinking about it is hard, these insights help me to understand myself better. So I´m very grateful I got to talk to someone who pushed me to think about it in a good and healthy way. They don´t want me to change anything; they just want to understand, and in order to provide that I had to understand myself a bit better.
Have you ever had a good, healthy conversation that helped you better understand parts of yourself? And if so, how did it affect you?
Best,
Ace