Dear Readers,
The idea of an open relationship to me is equally exciting as it is scary. By accident, I stumbled upon the opportunity of getting to know someone that is in an open marriage for several years now. I was intrigued.
Why? For several reasons that are at least valid for me:
First of all, I have my own independent life. I work a lot, and sometimes I don´t have the energy to meet or to talk to someone else. And in a relationship, in my opinion, your significant other deserves to have your energy and attention no matter how hard and long your day was.
And second, and most importantly, I don´t have the pressure of needing to be physical with that person. If they are interested in being physical, then they can get this somewhere else.
As an ace, this seems to me a very compelling argument to have a relationship with someone who is in an open relationship or marriage.
Open relationships/marriages have rules that need to be respected. They should be individually set in place by the couple. Examples can be no dating people from the friend circle, no staying somewhere overnight, or if the partners want to share their experiences.
If you are considering a relationship with someone in an open relationship/marriage, ask for the rules and boundaries and take your time assessing if you can live with them or not. If you really want to have the opportunity to spend a weekend or a night with a partner, but they have the rule to not stay somewhere overnight, then it might not be a good fit.
Being with someone in an open relationship/marriage requires not just good communication between the original couple, but also between the two of you. Making sure that everybody in this situation is comfortable and all needs from everyone are met.
What I learned is that I like the concept of the open relationship/marriage, but I also realised that not all the attention on me doesn´t mean no attention or just spontaneous attention.
What does that mean?
It means I like that I´m not always the center of attention and I don´t need to make the other person the center of my world all the time. BUT I still need to make time for that person, and they still need to make time for me. If that is not given, this is not enough for me. Does that mean I expect a message or a call every day? No, I for sure don´t. But do I expect a message or call once a week, or maybe even twice? Yes, it does.
Additionally, in my case, one rule was not to form an emotional attachment to the other person. But at least for me, that is part of why I consider dating a person. Since there is no sexual attraction and, in my case, mostly also not a physical attraction, I need at least an emotional attraction.
Although I have an extreme intellectual attraction to this person, I now realise that without an emotional attraction it´s just not enough.
I think this will fizzle out slowly, and we will talk every once in a while, and there is nothing wrong with that. I´m super grateful that they introduced me to the possibility of an open relationship/ marriage. I think that is a good alternative for me. I now know what I need to look for so my needs are also met in all of this!
Have you ever been in an open relationship/marriage, or have you been part of one?
How are your experiences?
Best,
Ace